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Sep 29, 20235 min read

Flying Monkeys

Updated: Jul 10



Flying Monkeys


The term “flying monkeys” was inspired by the enchanted flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, who was sent to do the dirty work for the Wicked Witch of the West. The phrase has become used to describe people who do the bidding of a narcissist.



What is a flying monkey behavior?


Signs Someone Is a Flying Monkey


They side with the narcissist no matter the situation or evidence presented to them. They spread gossip or rumors about you. They gaslight or manipulate you. They dismiss or trivialize your feelings.


Do flying monkeys ever realize the truth?


Sometimes flying monkeys are victims themselves, trapped by the lies of a narcissist. Other times they are like mini-narcissists, not caring about the damage they are doing. In hindsight, some flying monkeys begin to realize they were a participant in a target's abuse when the narcissist's true colors are revealed.




Flying Monkeys May Be People-Pleasers


Often, flying monkeys are people pleasers. They want to be helpful and don’t want to disappoint the narcissist, particularly if they’re a friend or relative. And it’s likely that they’ve been manipulated or coerced by the narcissist themselves, or fear them and submit to them so they don’t become a target themselves.

They could be in denial, or “simply lack the emotional intelligence or empathy to understand the harm they’re participating in,” says Dr. Kerwin. Often, flying monkeys fulfill their role without actually realizing it, or genuinely believing that the narcissist is in the right because they’re taken in by them and their perspective.


Sometimes, flying monkeys will have conditions or disorders that make them more susceptible. However, this certainly doesn’t mean that everybody with a certain condition will be a flying monkey.

For example, somebody with narcissistic personality disorder might be a flying monkey. In this case, a narcissist might submit to another one if there’s something in it for them, be it money, power, or the hope of overtaking them in the future. 


People with anxiety might be drawn to the power and confidence the narcissist projects, while co-dependent people may like to serve a narcissist as a way of feeling purpose and satisfaction with their life. 


How to Deal With Flying Monkeys


Dealing with flying monkeys isn’t always going to be easy. In many cases, they’ll be friends or family members of you, the narcissist, or both. However, Dr. Kerwin suggests some strategies that you can try.


Be firm with boundaries

Avoid confrontation as it can create drama, says Dr. Kerwin

Get support from trusted loved ones or a mental health professional

Document any incidents of abuse/harassment, as this could be useful if you involve the authorities.


Limit contact as much as you can

It might be difficult to follow these steps, particularly if you’re leaving a relationship with a narcissist or cutting them out of your life. They may send flying monkeys after you, and limiting contact entirely may not be possible. However, it’s important to be as firm as you can when you set boundaries and avoid confrontation where possible.

Before you cut a narcissist out of your life or end your relationship, make a plan and a list of reasons why you’re leaving the relationship. This is a good idea because the narcissist and their flying monkeys can distort reality, causing you to question yourself too.


If you’re having to deal with flying monkeys, whether the narcissist is still in your life or not, you may benefit from speaking to a mental health professional. Or contact our trained professionals at We Fit Health & Wellness/Pathway To Peace.





They can offer you help and advice tailored to your circumstances and situation and can help you manage in the aftermath if you decide to end the relationship as narcissistic abuse can have long-term mental health effects.



surround yourself with supportive people after experiencing narcissistic abuse!"

How can I spot a flying monkey?”


10 Signs of a Flying Monkey:


  1. They tell the narcissist what you’re up to.

  2. They pressure you to reconcile with the narcissist.

  3. They invalidate you.

  4. They guilt-trip you.

  5. They consistently defend the narcissist’s actions.

  6. They spread rumors or lies about you.

  7. They display narcissistic behaviors.

  8. You feel uneasy or unsettled around them.

  9. They keep in touch with the narcissist.

  10. They act as the narcissist’s messenger.


When people discuss narcissists, they sometimes use the phrase 'flying monkeys.' Flying monkeys refer to people who carry out the work of a narcissist or an abusive person, and it comes from The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch of the West puts flying monkeys under her spell.


It’s often difficult to recognize a flying monkey, as they may seem like normal people who are simply taking sides in a disagreement or conflict

— LAUREN KERWIN, PHD


They did the bidding for the Wicked Witch in much the same way as people might ‘work’ for a narcissist—hence the term being used to describe these people. A narcissist might use their friends or family—or even yours—as spies, or to spread rumors, making them act as substitutes for themselves.




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