The Art of Emotional Intelligence Part 3
You ve Named Your Emotions
What Now?
Being aware of your emotions isn't enough;
you also have to manage them.
These four strategies can help you master this second pillar of emotional intelligence.
Psychology Today
BY MICHAEL WIEDERMAN, PH.D.
AWARENESS OF YOUR and others' emotions is the foundation on which emotional intelligence rests. But awareness, in itself, is not enough. Here, let's consider four ways you can develop another critical pillar of El: emotional self-management.
1. Pause to mentally distance.
In an emotionally charged situation, the path of least resistance is to follow your feelings. Instead, take conscious control of your attention and shift from allowing your limbic system to guide your behavior (reacting) to engaging your cerebral cortex (responding). Doing so lets you choose how to act.
Ofcourse, mentally stepping out of a whirlwind of emotion is casier said than done. As a first step, it can be helpful to note the particular physical experiences that accompany troublesome emotions. Then, when a situation arises that triggers those physical responses, take a moment to mentally step out of your immediate experience. Asking yourself a question, or imagining what you might look like to others, often does the trick. At that point, although still physiologically keyed up, you'll be able to more calmly consider the best course of action. In other words, you won't be just reacting; you'll be choosing how to act.
2. Take control of your self-talk.
We're frequently unaware of how much chatter goes on in the background of our minds. Such self-talk might not be in fully articulated phrases but just flashes of thought about what's happening, what should be, or how right we are and how wrong someone else is.
Becoming aware of your self-talk is an important skill because it is those background beliefs that fuel our emotional
responses. To genuinely defuse a strong negative emotion requires examining the underlying belief and how accurate or useful it is.
You may be tempted to justify the belief (This situation should not be so difficult!) but, instead, recognize that the situation is the way it is, no matter how much you wish otherwise.
Ask yourself: How useful is it to me to keep clinging to this belief? You might also flex your conscious awareness to focus on asking: Over what parts of this situation do I have some degree of control? What do I need to do to exercise that control?
3. Enlist partners.
Ask others you trust to help you recognize when your emotions seem to be getting the best of you. Agree on a gesture or word to serve as a signal that your trusted individual wonders whether you're riding the led-by-your-limbic-system train.
Of course, they may get it wrong-and even when they're right, it can feel irritating to be called out when you're already keyed up. But instead of responding defensively, focus on the fact that this person is offering a gift—one that you asked for!— and is taking a risk. Respond with grace and gratitude.
4. Cultivate curiosity.
Our brains are wired to draw conclusions quickly. These judgments are not necessarily accurate but often feel as if they are, and they are responsible for many of our negative emotional states. Working to be more curious about other peoples' expe-riences, including their interpretation of events and their own motives for their behavior, helps inhibit such hasty judgments.
To be able to apply the brakes on your strong emotional reaction when triggered, practicing curiosity in situations that are not nearly as charged is a good way to build that skill for when it's most important. A side benefit of cultivating curiosity is that it also promotes a sense of empathy and deeper connection with those you better try to understand.
A common thread across these strategies is the ability to recognize an emotional storm and decide to shift to conscious intentionality rather than reaction. Like any skill, it requires practice, and there will be lapses along the way. However, the benefits, both professional and personal, can be immense. How might your life be enhanced by greater emotional self-control? m
Michael Wiederman, Ph.D., is a former clinical psychology professor who now works full-time applying psychology to the workplace.
How Emotionally Intelligent Are You?
Take this quiz to determine how well you understand, label, express, and regulate emotions.
USING THE KEY below, answer the questions based on how strongly you agree or disagree with the statement.
Strongly Disagree
1 point
Disagree
2 points
Neutral
3 points
Agree
4 points
Strongly Agree
5 points
To score your test, assign points to each answer using the values listed above.
Add up your total and refer to the Score Key to see where you fall on the El scale.
| usually pick up on verbal and nonverbal cues to how someone is feeling.
I don't judge myself for experiencing negative emotions like anger.
When making a big decision, I try to consider both how I feel now and how I might feel later.
I am comfortable expressing both positive and negative emotions to others.
I can adjust my emotions and behaviors when the situation calls for it.
| can remain poised when another person expresses strong emotions.
| can name what I'm feeling and express it to others.
I can adapt to most situations relatively easily.
When an interpersonal conflict arises, I am usually able to find a solution.
Even when I'm angry or sad, I can behave rationally.
I work well in a team.
| can look back on my past emotional experiences and learn from them.
| share my appreciation for my loved ones and other people I feel grateful for.
I'm good at validating how others are feeling.
I can handle rejection, hurt feelings, and other emotional setbacks with grace.
Score Key
15-25: You appear to have low emotional in-telligence. Fortunately, emotional intelligence isn't fixed, and you can take steps now to improve your ability to recognize and manage emotions. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance.
26-37: You appear to have relatively low emotional intelligence. Simple steps, like starting a mindfulness practice, could boost your self-awareness and help you cope more effectively with conflict.
38-53: You're in the middle. Trying to sharpen your awareness of your own emotions, and those of others, could help you strengthen your relationships and achieve greater workplace success.
54-65: Your emotional intelligence is high.
To nurture it even more, stay connected to your emotions, thoughts, and feelings, especially when you experience stress or challenging situations.
66-75: Your emotional intelligence appears to be very high. Your empathy, compassion, and communication skills are likely a big contributor to your well-being and relationship success.
SCORE CARD
1
6
11
2
12
3
8
13
9
14
5
10
15
Sources: L D. Mayer, P. Salovey, D. R. Caruso. Mayer Salovey-
Laruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT)
R. Bar-On. Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ)
K. V. Petrides, Trait Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire (TEQue)
Emotional Intelligence Is a Skill Set
Peter Salovey, a co-author of the original paper on El, clears up some widespread misunderstandings.
IN THE LATE 1980s, John Mayer and I noticed that there were separate groups studying facial expressions, emotion vo-cabulary, and emotion self-management, all independently. We thought there was a framework under which all those topics fit-an arsenal of skills that describe abilities having to do with the emotions. We called it "emotional intelligence."
The skills form four basic clusters. The first is identifying emotions in yourself and in others, through verbal and nonverbal means.
A second is understanding how emotion vocabulary gets used, how emotions transition over time, what the consequences are of an emotional arousal-for example, why shame often leads to anger, why jealousy often contains a component of envy.
A third area is emotion management, which includes managing not only one's own emotions but also the emotions of others.
The fourth is the use of emotions, such as in cognitive activities like solving a problem and making a decision.
Once we had a way to measure emotional intelligence, we realized that we had to demonstrate that El matters above and beyond standard features of personal-ity, such as the Big Five personality traits (openness to experience, conscientious-ness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and extraversion) and beyond traditional intelligence as measured by an IQ test. Only if emotional intelligence still accounted for variance in important outcomes could we claim that it has validity.
Over the next 20 years, we showed that, in fact, it did predict outcomes in school, at work, and in relationships. It predicted who would receive positive performance evaluations and get recommended for raises,
who would be viewed as contributing the most creative ideas and leading a group. It correlated with aspects of friendship and positive social relations-less aggression, less use of illicit substances, more friends, greater satisfaction in relationships with friends. In lab experiments, El predicted subjects' behavior with a stranger: Those with El were more able to elicit informa-tion, and strangers rated the interaction as more pleasant. People viewing films of the interactions rated those with El as more empathic.
There has been a lot of playing with the construct of emotional intelligence-for example, regarding the features as traits.
But that does not yield any unique infor-mation. I think it's best to stick to a definition of El based on skills and abilities.
Peter Salovey, Ph.D., is the president of Yale University.
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